I looked back on specific situations and times in my life doing a post mortem; I did not like what I remembered. Rather than trying to resolve things, I had acted defensively, pushing people away, hurting them in the process. I knew then that my actions were bothersome to others but had looked at them selfishly from a better-than-me perspective.
While running all of this through my now clear head, I wondered, “Is this really who I am, who I want to be? Do I really want people to have this opinion of me?” The answers were very clear. "NO!" It was then that I decided to do a full self-examination. I came to the realization that my layers of self defense were driving people away or keeping them from getting to know the real me -- that instead of letting other people peel those layers back over time, I would do it myself; (for those of you who truly know me, you know that I am a good person...and the rest of you know I can be the sarcastic a-hole Brad); this decision was a difficult one. For the majority of my life I had used my wall as a defense mechanism and letting that wall down would leave me extremely vulnerable. Then is when I remembered that I cannot control anyone else’s actions; I can only control my own; at that point the decision to reveal the real me was very easy.
I've taken a kind-of Hippie outlook on my dealings with people now -- just be nice. So far it's working out pretty well, although I do have my moments...as we all do. There are some very toxic people out there who see kindness as an opportunity to spread their own venom. I have to ignore them, realizing I can only change myself. As I change, hopefully they will make a coordinate change -- one that’s for the better. If they don’t, then I have to be true to myself and move on.
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