IKEA with Mom

I’m not exactly sure what day it was on my trip to Ann Arbor but Mom and I went to IKEA to purchase a new head and foot board for her bed.  I had never been in one of their stores and was not at all mentally prepared for the overwhelming experience.  (For those of you who are unfamiliar with IKEA stores, they herd you through like cattle, have you follow the arrows on the floor so that you have to go through every part of the retail sales area were nothing seems to be grouped together. There are the obligatory slow walkers and the dyslexic who are fighting the flow of everyone  who are walking the correct direction.)  After almost forty-five minutes in the store we found the display unit. I figured out that then you have to write down the item numbers and the aisle and the bin that they are located in, and walk through the rest of the store to locate the pick-up area.  The tag on the headboard stated that it required three boxes to complete the assembling of the product, so I wrote the numbers down, and dodged  the masses until we arrived in the correct area. 

I grabbed a cart, found the bin and began loading the two boxes that were inside of it. While in the process of getting the third box, the following conversation ensued:

Mom:  What are you doing?

Me:  Getting the third box. The tag said that this was a three piece package.

Walking around me,  looking at the picture on the bin she said: “That’s just a support beam; you only need that if you’re not using a box spring.  The bed frame has supports that attach, so we don’t need that.”  “Are you sure?” I asked. “YES!”

With the cart loaded, we paid, loaded up the car and headed home.  I took the boxes to her room, opened them up and attempted to read the instructions.  There was no reading them; they were just generic drawings with part numbers written on them.  (My friend Brian commented that those instruction manuals are like cave man drawings and I totally agree!)  It took me about three hours and several “re-do’s” until I was almost finished. Low and behold on the last page of the manual it called for the piece that Mom didn’t need: a big support beam that runs the length of the bed straight down the middle!  The supports that she thought were included in the package were narrow metal bars that attach to the corners of the frame to keep the box spring from falling through -- not for load bearing.  Before I could bring this to her attention, she said “Hey!  You’ve got extra pieces over here.”  To which I remarked that I was aware, explained to her why, and showed her the manual.  “Oh, that must be for the people who don’t have box springs,”  she said.  “No, it’s a required piece of the furniture and you have to have it or else you may fall through,”  I replied. “No, I have a box spring, I’ll be fine.”

I am currently awaiting a phone call telling me that her bed has fallen to the floor.

The Hippie Approach

Recently, I went through a very rough period in my life that started with a breakup and ended with me finding peace. During the time that I was attempting to clear my head and learning to be strong, I unintentionally, started figuring out who the "Real Brad" is.

I looked back on specific situations and times in my life doing a post mortem; I did not like what I remembered. Rather than trying to resolve things, I had acted defensively, pushing people away, hurting them in the process. I knew then that my actions were bothersome to others but had looked at them selfishly from a better-than-me perspective.

While running all of this through my now clear head, I wondered, “Is this really who I am, who I want to be? Do I really want people to have this opinion of me?” The answers were very clear. "NO!" It was then that I decided to do a full self-examination. I came to the realization that my layers of self defense were driving people away or keeping them from getting to know the real me -- that instead of letting other people peel those layers back over time, I would do it myself; (for those of you who truly know me, you know that I am a good person...and the rest of you know I can be the sarcastic a-hole Brad); this decision was a difficult one. For the majority of my life I had used my wall as a defense mechanism and letting that wall down would leave me extremely vulnerable. Then is when I remembered that I cannot control anyone else’s actions; I can only control my own; at that point the decision to reveal the real me was very easy.

I've taken a kind-of Hippie outlook on my dealings with people now -- just be nice. So far it's working out pretty well, although I do have my moments...as we all do. There are some very toxic people out there who see kindness as an opportunity to spread their own venom. I have to ignore them, realizing I can only change myself. As I change, hopefully they will make a coordinate change -- one that’s for the better. If they don’t, then I have to be true to myself and move on.

Adventures with Mom

In July, I spent about ten days days visiting my mom in Ann Arbor during which I helped her out with various projects, one being remodelling her condo.  I love my mother very much and feel very fortunate that I got to spend that amount of time with her, but as you all know, spending a lot of time with someone can be trying after awhile.  Most of my Facebook friends have seen the majority of this but I wanted to share my experiences here as well.   

July 15

Was in the car with my mom earlier (she's a terrible driver, by the way, but that's off subject) and we had a little rapid fire Q & A session...here's how it went:

 Mom: You hungry?

 Me: I'm good.

 Mom: Well, you haven't eaten...you've got to be hungry.

 Me: I'm good for right now.

 Mom: Do you like chicken salad?

 Me: As long as it doesn't have fruit in it.

 Mom: I thought you liked fruit.

 Me:   I do. I just don't like the whole sweet and salty combination.

 Mom: You mean sweet and savory?

 Me: Whatever.

 Mom: Do you like Liquorice?

 Me: You know I don't eat a lot of sweet things.

 Mom: Well do you like it?

 Me: If I absolutely had to eat a piece I'd get the red...the black is absolutely disgusting.

 Mom: Do you like Tarragon?

 Me: I don't even know what that is.

 Mom: It tastes like Liquorice.

 Me: Red or Black?

 Mom: Black.

 Me: Sounds pretty gross.

 Mom: Well, I guess I won't be making a Tarragon Chicken Salad then.

July 16

Let mom drive again today...she jumped the curb in the Kroger parking lot with the right rear tire while I was sending a text. Scared the absolute living shit out of me.

There Comes A Time You Just Have to Let Go

This is my first time writing anything that is intended for "publication".  I recently went though, what I feel, was a life changing journey and I would like to share it.

For about a year, I had a girlfriend and although I was not happy overall with the relationship, I did care for her and she was a great friend to me as well.  Time went on and we grew tired of each other's bad habits, quirks, ect.  It progressed to the point that she was drinking heavily and ended when things got physical two weeks in a row. After a couple weeks of reflection, I decided that I wanted her back - I wasn't sure if it was a comfort factor or love at the time.  I conveyed this to her and she said that she still loved me but was skeptical of getting back into the relationship.  Long story short...that conversation started an almost three month period of "Does she love me, does she not".  She would reel me in when she wanted attention and drop me when that need was satisfied.  The anxiety was overwhelming, progressing to the point that I sought out medical attention for relief.  Her actions/inaction consumed me to the point that I decided to take a break.  A break from my job, where we both work, a break from Bowling Green and a break from Kentucky.

Prior to my departure, she and I spent about thirty-five hours together, not leaving each other's side. In that time, she told me that she still loved me and wanted me back. But there was "just something" keeping her from going forward. I told her that we could still communicate while I was away, but I was going to do very little to initiate any more conversations. I made it very clear that she would need to call or text me in order to show me how she felt -- that it would mean a lot if she would find her way to see me in Michigan; she agreed. I dropped her off at her house and preceded to head north. The anxiety was overwhelming.

 Once home, I was able to meet up with family and old friends and go north to Traverse City for a few days. I went to a Detroit Tigers game and finally to my mother's in Ann Arbor. For about the first ten days I still had to medicate myself to be able to relax -- even in such a beautiful setting as Grand Traverse Bay. I was really starting to wonder if I was losing my sanity. At this point I had been away for about five days and had heard very little from her with the exception of a few short calls on her way to or from work with a drunk dial at 5:20 am. I found myself glued to my phone trying to figure out what she was doing, why she hadn’t really seemed interested and was growing more anxious by the minute. I even went so far as to text a therapist whom I used to see years ago. She called back quickly basically telling me that I was allowing myself to be used and that the best thing would be to cut off communication and walk away. I felt better after that and made no attempts to talk to the ex and heard nothing from her until I got back to Ann Arbor two days later. I attempted to tell her that I was finished with "this" and she ended the conversation. Staying silent for another two days she sent me a text that read "We are going to discuss this." A very dear friend of mine who has been acting as my shrink through this journey told me: "You have brought her with you. You have to let go!" Then is when the switch flipped. I was at peace almost instantly. I ignored a few more phone calls and texts which caused the silence once again. Her silence screamed at me.

 A few days later, while eating dinner with some friend I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. Not wanting to be "that guy" I reached in and silenced it and continued eating. Later when I went to the restroom, I checked and noticed that she had called. She had also sent two text messages, one asking why I was ignoring her, as well as that she was giving up trying to get in touch with me - the other saying that she wanted to talk to me...we needed to talk. I did not respond to her; instead, I forwarded the texts to my friend for review. My friend gave the go ahead to talk to the ex, but said not to get into anything concerning the relationship, which I failed to do. The conversation started out almost like two old friends who hadn't talked in a while, catching up and telling stories, but my anxiety (which had all but left until this point) was growing by the second. I finally asked her "where are you at...I mean with this?" She basically responded that she didn't know, that she wanted to spend some more time together to see how things went and if her own anxiety dissipated. I accepted that, because my thought processes were changing from how I used to think in the past. Now I could accept things for what they are, not for what I wanted them to be. I felt okay with the way things were.

The next day my "shrink" called to see how the talk went; when I told her, she was none too pleased with me! She basically told me that I was allowing myself to go right back to where I was prior to leaving and that I was going to have to find a way to deal with it. She then said that we were not going to talk for two days and during that time I should do some serious soul searching. Hearing those words over the phone was crushing. I had been talking/texting to her every day and I relied on our talks to help me through my days. I immediately had a huge rush of anxiety and my hands started shaking. After the initial rush, I settled down and started thinking...and for two days I went back and forth, finally deciding that I was okay with "it is what it is" and just go from there. I kept that attitude for the rest of my stay in Ann Arbor, only calling the ex one time, ignoring the drunk dials and only responding to text messages when it suited me. She made very little effort to get in touch with me; she would call on a break from work - talk for a few minutes, say she'd call after work and then not call. At that point I was honestly, indifferent. I really didn't care.

 My time home had been great! I hesitate to use the words life changing, but it's as close to that as I can put into words. My thoughts on my relationship, if you can call it that, have led me to look at my outlook on life differently. I decided to eliminate the toxicity around me, to be me and try to take down the wall of sarcasm I use as a defense mechanism, to smile more, to be in control of myself and not worry about what others do. The only person I can control is Brad. My last few days in Michigan, I was growing home sick and anxious...it was time to return to Kentucky, to my life and job. Even Charlie, my dog was showing signs that he was ready to get back! The ex knew my return date and we had made loose plans to see each other that night. I heard nothing from her except the text she sent me two days prior I felt was to garner some attention. I made the eight and a half hour drive home with no contact from her; as a matter of fact, she didn't call until later that evening. After being gone for nearly three weeks, I received one phone call that I didn’t answer, five hours after getting back into town; her timing sent a tone of indifference to me.

 I returned to work the following day and bumped into the ex in the parking lot. We exchanged pleasantries, she expressed that she wasn't happy about me not calling her back and I told her that we should talk after work; she agreed. Work went smoothly; we were friendly and had a good shift. After work we sat down outside. I explained how I felt and where I was with everything. She repeated herself saying that she wanted to hang out and take things from there. I was okay with that, but told her that if I felt like I was doing all of the work to keep it going, I would walk away in a heartbeat. We concluded our conversation and agreed to see each other the following night after work. The next evening at work she sent me a message saying "I've been an emotional wreck the past few days, so I have to cancel tonight." I told her that it was fine and that I hoped she felt better soon. I didn't see her outside of work until two mornings later when she was acting very anxious and unsettled. I repeatedly asked her to talk to me. Finally, she said she feared I would get angry and make her leave. I finally convinced her I would remain calm and she told me what was up. She said that she felt like she was in love with two people...me and the guy that she dated for two months after I broke up with her. Hearing those words was bothersome but didn't hurt. I told her that I understood, that no matter where she found it – him, me, another person or by herself -- I just wanted her to be happy. I followed by telling her that I could not put any effort into us, given what she had just revealed. She understood. That night at work I could tell that she was upset, so I was very friendly and tried to lighten her mood by getting her a snack and joking with her and it seemed to work. As I was leaving, she looked like she was ready to cry; I gave her a hug and told her to try to have a good night. She didn't come to work the next day nor did I hear from her until noticing she had called five times between 2:30 - 2:45 the morning prior. Seeing those missed calls really got to me. I had asked her not to drunk-dial me several times in the past - told her that it gives me terrible anxiety. I was down almost all day until I started to remember that I can't control her, only myself and my reactions. It was then that I decided I was finished with her. Finished in that in due time I think we can be friends just not now. Things were much better after that.

Temporarily removing myself from the situation was exactly what I needed, to get my head on straight! Since I've gotten home, people have commented that I look more relaxed, have calmed down and seem to be at peace with myself; I think they’re totally right. I couldn’t agree more. I learned that I deserve to be treated well and not to settle -- under any circumstances. I feel better as I rid my life of negative people and situations. I've taken the attitude of the penguins from the Madagascar movie, "Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave!" I would like to give a very sincere "thank-you" to the people who were there for me during this -- the people who talked me through this, checked on me while I was away, and held me while I cried. You know who you are and I am forever grateful!